


i guess i kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain

by Veron104_alterlove



Series: Skam France-works [9]
Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a song, M/M, i still suck at tagging, if you couldn’t guess from the title, lucas pov, lulu is suffering though, post 3x5
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-07-30 23:36:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20105485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Veron104_alterlove/pseuds/Veron104_alterlove
Summary: post 3x5basically hella angst but there’s a happy ending





	1. numb

**Author's Note:**

> um hi. sorry, i’m just feeling really angsty right now and don’t want to add that to my other fic, weirdo, where it’s literally fluff-ville 
> 
> and the title and some elements of this work are from the song - someone you loved by Lewis Capaldi
> 
> it’s really good if you haven’t heard it

_ I need somebody to heal _

_ <strike></strike>Somebody to know _

_ Somebody to have _

_ Somebody to hold _

The song is etched into Lucas’ brain. He’s been listening to it nonstop since he arrived at the flat, alone. Not to mention he came back with what looked to be ripped up knuckles dowsed and dripping with his blood. Hopefully his hand isn’t broken. And if it is, so be it. Oh well. He will clean it up. He will wrap it up and wait for it to heal. At least that’s what he’s been telling himself. In all honesty, he doesn’t give a fuck. Not anymore. 

He’s on the couch, aka his makeshift bed. He can’t feel his hand. And that should scare him, it should make him want to clean it; wash it under the running water from the sink, put rubbing alcohol on it, put gauze on afterwards, and after all that, wrap it up. But he doesn’t want to get up after having been settled by the arm of the couch for a little over an hour. Well, it’s not that he doesn’t want to, it’s that he physically can’t. 

His entire goddamn body feels like a bag of bricks - heavy, unmoving, solid, dragging him down. Earlier, when he finally made it to the couch, he sank into it, and he felt as though he dried up like wet concrete does when it sets. The only thing he’s been able to do since he dropped onto the couch is grab his headphones from the coffee table, take his phone out of his pocket, connect the two, and listen to this sad-ass song. 

_ It’s easy to say _

_ But it’s never the same _

_ I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain _

Lucas snorts at the last line. He’s done so every time it comes up. It should probably hit him too deep, he thinks, but it doesn’t. And that’s why he snorts. 

Sometimes when people don’t know how to react, they laugh, chuckle, giggle, cackle, snicker, snort, and whatever other things they can do to get their diaphragm working, going up and down constantly. Lucas’ read about it in an article one time, and ever since, he’s never failed to notice how right it is. Take right now for example. 

Lucas doesn’t know what he should be feeling right now. All he knows is that when Eliott kissed Lucille, he felt like someone stabbed him in the chest repeatedly, not wanting him to stop hurting. When he walked away, he felt the sadness creep in and could feel the burning in his eyes - the welled up tears that hadn’t come out. Yet. 

When he punched the gate three times all he felt was anger, rage, even some hysteria. He’s never been violent before, so why now? When he turned and fell to the floor, he looked at his hand. He couldn’t even feel the pain that supposedly should’ve been there. Hell, he hasn’t been able to feel it ever since he hit the damn thing. 

And when he hit his head against the gate, just for good measure, he felt the sadness and realization hit him again. But that only lasted a couple of seconds. Once a stray tear made its way down his cheek, he couldn’t be bothered to wipe it off. Why should he anyway? 

Then, all of a sudden, everything just switched off. 

It was like someone flipped a light switch to make a room go from light to dark. Except the switch was to his emotions. 

All he could hear was white noise, the sound of his heart breathing, and the harshness of his breathing. And that’s all he’s been able to feel since. 

Nothing. 

Literally, nothing. 

_ numb. _

So every single time he hears that line - _ I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain _ \- he knows it _ should _ hit him deep, he’s already acknowledged that. But he doesn’t know how to react to that line because he feels numb. He doesn’t know what to feel when he hears it. That’s why he snorts. Because to him, it’s ridiculous. 

He can’t feel what he should be able to feel, and that’s just absolutely ludicrous. 

_ Now the day bleeds _

_ Into nightfall _

_ And you’re not here _

_ To get me through it all _

He just wants to feel _ something. Anything. _ But he _ can’t. _And that’s the only thing that’s keeping him from falling asleep. He’s exhausted and drained - physically and mentally. But he wants to feel something, he doesn’t care how negative it is.

He hates feeling like this. Always has. 

This isn’t the first time it happens either. 

The last time was when he had the latest phone call with his dad. He was yelling at Lucas about god knows what - Lucas blocked him out, letting the emotions out of his body and he became empty. That time, it lasted a half hour before his entire being was filled with rage. 

This time however, he knows he wants to feel. Why? Because he’s afraid that this time, it’ll be like this for good. He doesn’t want to turn into a careless monster. 

Eliott’s made him feel things no one has ever been able to achieve before. He’s been the only person who has made him hit the highest point of euphoria possible, and yet, the only person who’s made him hit rock bottom. 

_ I let my guard down _

_ And then you pulled the rug _

_ I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved _

Lucas let his guard down for Eliott time and time again. However, he didn’t do so the last time he talked to him. He chose to lie instead. 

He didn’t mean to say his mom was crazy. He didn’t mean to say that he didn’t need crazy people in his life. He really didn’t. It was a big lie that fell out of his mouth before he could stop it. 

And it was either that, or breaking down in front of Eliott. And truthfully, he’s never broken down in front of anyone before. So when he opened his mouth, he panicked, and said the first thing that came to his mind. 

And that _ thing _ was what his father told both him and his mother before leaving them. Those exact words. The words that flew out of Lucas’ mouth. And once he realized what he said, he cursed himself internally. He hates himself for it, and hasn’t stopped - doesn’t plan on it either. 

And he’s not stupid, he saw how Eliott’s face fell a bit. So he concluded it must’ve been something to do with that statement. And he tried to fix it, he pulled out the sticky note Eliott left for him on Saturday as an attempt to change the subject. 

Unfortunately though, it didn’t work. He left anyways. And ended what they had _ over text _. Who does that?

And to top it all off, he got back together with Lucille. Because of course he did. Someone who’s as beautiful inside and out like Eliott _ never _ gets together with someone like Lucas. It’s just a fact of life. 

Lucas turns on his phone, seeing that the time is 03:41. Great. 

He’s been sulking for hours. 

***

He’s still awake. He’s been listening to that goddamn song the entire time too, and he still can’t feel shit. 

Fuck. 

He checks the time on his phone. It’s 08:12. And his battery is running low, so that’s a plus. But the song keeps going. 

_ Now, I need somebody to know _

_ Somebody to heal _

_ Somebody to have _

_ Just to know how it feels _

_ It’s easy to say _

_ But it’s never the same _

_ I guess I kinda like the way you helped me escape _

_ Now the day bleeds - _

The song stops abruptly, making Lucas furrow his brows. He checks his phone again, except nothing happens. The screen stays black. 

It’s dead. 

He doesn’t have a charger either, he left it, more like forgot it, at school yesterday. And Mika’s so fucking pissed at him, he probably won’t give him his. Lisa will murder him if he tries, she doesn’t let anyone borrow anything of hers. And Manon isn’t here; she’s at Emma’s, having a sleepover with the girls. So he’s screwed. 

His phone is dead. 

He can’t listen to that song. 

He can’t listen to that song. 

_ I can’t listen to that song! _

_ I can’t - _

He can’t breathe, he’s hyperventilating and can’t fucking get some air inside of his goddamn lungs. 

And that’s when the floodgates open. 

Emotions _ finally _spew out like a cannon. 

And _ my god _does it hurt. 


	2. too much pt. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay idk how long this one’s gonna be, but for sure more than 4 chapters. 
> 
> and I’m sorry that I’m not writing frequently but I’m about to fail school cuz I’m a dumbass
> 
> anyways... enjoy :)

It fucking  _ hurts.  _

Who knew that that song would be the only thing to keep him from feeling? And who knew that that song cutting off short would be the solution to making him feel again?

Lucas didn’t, that’s for sure.

———

Lucas is on the floor, on his knees, with his palms pressing in on his eyes, in an attempt to dull the pain. Newsflash, it isn’t working and is probably making it worse. 

He is sobbing harder than he’s ever sobbed before and doesn’t think he can stop. This is the worst feeling in the world for him. But the thing is, he doesn’t want it to go away. Not completely at least. 

To him, feeling too much is better than feeling nothing at all.  _ Being numb to the world.  _

So in a way, he’s thankful that he’s able to feel, he just wishes it didn’t have to come pouring down on him like a goddamn thunderstorm. But again, it’s better than nothing. 

However, that doesn’t mean he likes the way that sobs are wracking out of his body or how the tears can’t stop prickling his eyes and streaming down his fucking face. He can’t even stop them if he tried, it’s literally impossible. And let’s not forget the way his chest is heaving up and down, like he’s just finished throwing up. Except he’s heaving because he can’t control his breathing. It feels like air can’t reach his lungs no matter how hard he tries. So because of that, he’s taking in these heaves of breaths that aren’t doing shit to help the problem. And that right there, is causing him to hyperventilate. Since taking in big, deep breaths isn’t working, he figures that, maybe, small, rapid breaths will do the trick. Surprise surprise, it’s not fucking working. 

And all this, that he’s doing involuntary, is causing a hell of a lot of noise. And that leads to Mika barging out of his room angrily, his hands rubbing his eyes. 

“Lucas, why the fuck are you being so loud? It’s eight in the morning, for goodness sakes!” He exclaims. When Lucas doesn’t answer after a second, he takes his hands off his eyes. And boy, is he unprepared for the sight in front of him. 

Yes, Mika is pretty much pissed at Lucas at the moment, and has been ever since Thursday. What Lucas said was hurtful, and he did what he had to do, and stood up for the community. His community. And Lucas has yet to apologize, which makes Mika even more upset. He’s so upset that he’s been avoiding Lucas at the flat 24/7. 

But, when he sees Lucas like this, vulnerable and bawling his eyes out on the floor, he can’t not approach him and see what’s wrong. That would just be going against his moral compass. So he pushes his rage directed towards Lucas aside, and goes over to him. 

“Kitten,” Mika starts softly and gently, “what’s wrong? Can you tell me?”

Lucas shakes his head no, and more sobs come out of him, all uncontrollable and painful. He can’t even talk, his mouth being too preoccupied with carrying out the sounds produced by his non stop sobbing. 

Suddenly, Mika gets down on the floor, joining Lucas. There, he pulls the smaller boy to his chest, and cradles him there, like a baby. He’s hoping it’ll calm him down a bit, hopes it will somehow assist in making the pain go away, because sometimes being held can actually help out in that department. Mika knows it’s not much, but small gestures like these are better than doing absolutely nothing. Lucas clutches onto his shirt, looking for anything to hold onto. 

Mika thinks he sees a blotch of red by his shirt and looks down, shocked at the discovery. He sees Lucas’ bloody, ripped up knuckles and curses internally. “Lucas, buddy, what happened to your hand?” He asks, no malice or anger in his tone. 

Lucas cries harder, choking up when he spits out, “I’m sorry, Mika.”

Mika begins rocking back and forth slowly, whispering  _ it’s okay  _ into Lucas’ ear, and every time harder sobs and tears come to surface, he pulls Lucas into his chest even more. 

Mika figures that he’ll clean Lucas’ hand for him once he stops crying and is able to stand, because as of now, he’s nowhere near ready. He’s glad they have a first aid kit in the bathroom; a trip to the Emergency Room on a Saturday doesn’t sound fun. 

God, he’s mad at him, but he wishes Lucas didn’t have to go through this. And maybe it’s his heart talking, who knows, but Mika wants to find out who the fuck made Lucas break down like this, and teach them a lesson. But first, Lucas. He’s the priority. The other can wait. 

He snaps out of his head when he hears something. More like someone, actually. 

Lucas. 

“ _ For now the day bleeds, into nightfall, and you’re not here to get me through it all. _ ”

“ _ I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug, I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved. _ ”

———

It’s been half an hour and Lucas has been repeating the chorus of that song (someone you loved) to himself over and over again, almost like a mantra, in hopes of calming down a bit and letting the body-wracking sobs subside. If he can’t play the song on his phone and listen to it there, then he’ll just chant it to himself, since he knows the words - listening to it on repeat overnight helps with that. 

“ _ Now the day bleeds, into nightfall, and you’re not here to get me through it all _ .”

“ _ I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug _ .”

“ _ I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved _ .”

Somehow it works, and after a while, the tears stop, leaving tear tracks on his cheeks. The sobs come to a halt too, and he regains his normal breathing pattern. The only thing that hurts now is his heart. 

He unclutches Mika’s shirt from his grasp, and pulls away from him, wiping his eyes. 

“Sorry,” Lucas mumbles after awhile of silence. “I didn’t mean to bother you.” 

“You’re not bothering me kitten, but are you feeling a little better at least?” Mika asks, concern washing over his features more than before. 

Lucas nods. “Not much though.”

Mika sighs. “Well, kitten, we need to clean up your hand, it can get infected the longer it goes like this. Can you stand?”

“But aren’t you mad at me? Why do you want to help me?” Lucas stares at him, confused. 

“I am still mad at you, Lucas. Outright pissed, actually. But right now, this is more important than me being upset at you, okay? You’re clearly, no offense, not doing too well and I know that you’re not going to clean it. So let me help, please.” Mika says. 

“Okay.”

And with that, Mika gets himself off the floor and hauls Lucas up too, leading the way towards the bathroom. Once inside, Mika closes the door and locks it too, not wanting the girls to barge in anytime soon. He grabs the first aid kit from the bottom right cabinet, and puts it down by the sink. Mika opens it, grabbing the gauze, rubbing alcohol, hydrogen peroxide, and a tape wrap. He turns on the sink, moving the water to the colder side. 

He grabs Lucas’ hand and puts it under the running water. Lucas doesn’t even wince, too drained to be hurt by cold water. Then Mika grabs the alcohol and dumps it onto his knuckles with no warning, causing Lucas to hiss. 

“Shit, that hurts!” Lucas hush-whispers. 

“Sorry,” Mika mutters, concentrating at the task at hand. 

He dumps the hydrogen peroxide on next, which hurts less than the rubbing alcohol. Once Mika deems the hand ready, he takes the gauze pad and puts it on Lucas’ ripped up knuckles. Then, he takes the wrap and wraps it around Lucas’ hand about four times, to make sure it’s secure. Mika pats Lucas’ shoulder when he’s down. 

“Here you go, kitten, your hand is all good to go now.” Mika says. 

“Thank you. I mean it.”

Mika’s lip twitches upward ever so slightly. “Anytime.” He pauses. “Not trying to sound mean, or like a dick, but you seriously look like you got run over by a truck. You should get some sleep; you were probably pretty restless last night weren’t you?”

“Yeah, I was. But I’m starting to feel more tired now, so I think I’m gonna go back to the couch and sleep for some.”

“Good, you need it.” And with that, Mika turns around to head back to his room, his bed calling for him to come back. 

Lucas walks back to the living room and sets up his makeshift couch-bed. Then, he changed out of his jeans and grabs a blanket. 

When he’s comfortable enough, tiredness takes over him, closes his eyelids, and contributes to his falling asleep. ****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise the next chapter will add more to the plot, I just needed to tie off some ends in this one. So please stay tuned. 
> 
> I hope you’re all having a great day btw🧡

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading. feel free to let me know what you think and i hope you loves have a fantastic day and night💛  
my tumblr is [@veron104](https://veron104.tumblr.com/) if you wanna check it out


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